Beauty and the Beast

After my last post several people expressed concerns that I may relapse and start back into my old habits of eating to make myself feel better, but this is far from true! I DO NOT EVER want to be that fat girl again, and those nagging voices have made me work harder in fact I lost 3 pounds since that last blog. 3 pounds may not seem like a lot, but I had been stuck at the same weight for months without moving so any weight loss is good! I know in my heart of hearts that I look better, that I am healthier and that I am an amazing person. It's just some days that fat girl rears her ugly head and whispers to me that I am not good enough, that I am not pretty , beautiful or sexy or whatever. I just have to shut her out and know how far I've come and that YES I am all those things, even if the fat girl voice wants me to think otherwise or if people in my life can't see the beauty in me either!

Fat Bottom Girls

WOW! It's been a while since I've blogged. As you all know I started this blog to follow my weight loss journey. As of today I have lost 147 pounds. Physically i am feeling amazing. I am able to do things I could not do a year ago. But then there is my mentality. I know that I should be feeling on top of the world, but I still have those nagging doubts in my head. That fat girl voice still drowns out the new one. The voice that says I am not beautiful or attractive or sexy, that I am just a fat girl who wishes she was all those things. Maybe it's the loose wrinkly skin, or the fact that the weight loss has seemed to make my wrinkles show up and I look older. Perhaps I still need to loose more weight. According to the BMI I am still 15 pounds over my ideal weight. Or maybe it's just that nothing is ever enough. The Cure has a song called "Never Enough" and the lyrics say However much I push it down it's never enough, however much I push it around it's never enough, however much I make it out it's never enough, it's never enough however much I do...

This song has always spoken to me.

Maybe I am destined to always feel like that unattractive fat girl... maybe no matter what I do it will never be enough.

Then and Now

Well it's hard to believe that it has almost been a year!

I am posting some pictures of me from last Christmas with ones from this Christmas. The difference is amazing! I actually find looking at the old pictures of myself REALLY hard! It makes me sick to think I let myself get like that!

I have my year appt set up! I am pretty excited to see what my surgeon thinks! As of my last appt, I had lost 135 pounds and my BMI was 26.1 which is still considered overweight ): but consider that when I started this journey it was 48.6! pretty impressive! As of this morning I am down 139 pounds! I have about 12 to go till I hit my goal! The last few pounds are definitely coming off slower and I find it frustrating from time to time but then I just think of how far I've come!

I feel like a whole new woman and have decided to make the most of this new me! I got a wild hair up my butt one day and I got onto a dating service... yeah me who said "Never again" the cynic who doesn't believe in love, not sure that will ever change, but I've had some success so we will see how things pan out. For now I am taking it one day at a time, enjoying life and trying to live it to the fullest, which leads me to my other new steps. On Tuesday I am auditioning for some local commercials! I am trying to get back into the theater world full force! I want my 4o's and 2011 to be the best year ever! Just wanted to update as it had been a while!

xmas 2010

Antique Ornaments Christmas

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Hey all! I know it has been a while since I blogged. I have been super busy with work and rehearsals, not only for my show but Nick's. We were both in production at the same time. NEVER again! Anyway, things have gone really well, I am officially down 128 pounds and have 25 pounds to go to hit my goal!! I really hope to hit it before the year is up! Although I am finding that the last leg is proving the hardest! Not hard in the aspect of pain or troubles, just the last bit is coming off slowly and I am so ready to be at that goal!

I feel better and look better than I have in years, and although I was really having a hard time turning 40 this past October, I think the 40's may prove to be the best years of my life, cause I have a new lease on life. This is the year I will go after all my goals and dreams!

Wishing you all a healthy, happy and safe Thanksgiving!

Today is my 6 month mark and I am down 99 pounds! I was hoping to hit the 100 pound mark, but I'm thrilled with the weight loss no matter what! Yesterday was an adventure as I shopped for a new bra. The lady at Macy's was awesome in helping me. I had to try on over 30 bras till I found that perfect fit! I went from a 46DD to a 38 DD!! The new bras makes me look even skinnier, cause my boobs aren't dragging on the ground LOL! I hope to hit 100 pounds this week! Just wanted to update everyone on my progress thus far! Thanks to everyone for their encouragement and support! It means the world to me!

Well I haven't posted anything in a while. Mostly cause I've been super duper busy but also cause things seem to be slowing down again. As of my morning weigh in I have lost a whopping 90 pounds! I am pretty stoked but am looking foward to that 100 pound milestone! That will be AWESOME! I spent the past 3 days in Wisconsin Dells in a bathing suit and I was not mortified by being in one! I actually was comfortable and confident! Now don't get me wrong i certainly don't have a swimsuit model body, or bikini body yet! But I did not feel like that grossest or fattest one there and that is an accomplishment! I also wasn't afraid to go down the slides nor did i worry about how small the seats on the roller coasters were! I used to have nightmares about sliding down the water slide and splashing all the water out of the pool at the end like in the movie "Norbert" with Eddie Murphy. Anyone seen it? If so you can understand the fear, but this weekend... NO FEAR!!! i had a great time with Nicholas and kept up with him! Things are good, my new life just gets better and better!