Beauty and the Beast

After my last post several people expressed concerns that I may relapse and start back into my old habits of eating to make myself feel better, but this is far from true! I DO NOT EVER want to be that fat girl again, and those nagging voices have made me work harder in fact I lost 3 pounds since that last blog. 3 pounds may not seem like a lot, but I had been stuck at the same weight for months without moving so any weight loss is good! I know in my heart of hearts that I look better, that I am healthier and that I am an amazing person. It's just some days that fat girl rears her ugly head and whispers to me that I am not good enough, that I am not pretty , beautiful or sexy or whatever. I just have to shut her out and know how far I've come and that YES I am all those things, even if the fat girl voice wants me to think otherwise or if people in my life can't see the beauty in me either!

Fat Bottom Girls

WOW! It's been a while since I've blogged. As you all know I started this blog to follow my weight loss journey. As of today I have lost 147 pounds. Physically i am feeling amazing. I am able to do things I could not do a year ago. But then there is my mentality. I know that I should be feeling on top of the world, but I still have those nagging doubts in my head. That fat girl voice still drowns out the new one. The voice that says I am not beautiful or attractive or sexy, that I am just a fat girl who wishes she was all those things. Maybe it's the loose wrinkly skin, or the fact that the weight loss has seemed to make my wrinkles show up and I look older. Perhaps I still need to loose more weight. According to the BMI I am still 15 pounds over my ideal weight. Or maybe it's just that nothing is ever enough. The Cure has a song called "Never Enough" and the lyrics say However much I push it down it's never enough, however much I push it around it's never enough, however much I make it out it's never enough, it's never enough however much I do...

This song has always spoken to me.

Maybe I am destined to always feel like that unattractive fat girl... maybe no matter what I do it will never be enough.

Then and Now

Well it's hard to believe that it has almost been a year!

I am posting some pictures of me from last Christmas with ones from this Christmas. The difference is amazing! I actually find looking at the old pictures of myself REALLY hard! It makes me sick to think I let myself get like that!

I have my year appt set up! I am pretty excited to see what my surgeon thinks! As of my last appt, I had lost 135 pounds and my BMI was 26.1 which is still considered overweight ): but consider that when I started this journey it was 48.6! pretty impressive! As of this morning I am down 139 pounds! I have about 12 to go till I hit my goal! The last few pounds are definitely coming off slower and I find it frustrating from time to time but then I just think of how far I've come!

I feel like a whole new woman and have decided to make the most of this new me! I got a wild hair up my butt one day and I got onto a dating service... yeah me who said "Never again" the cynic who doesn't believe in love, not sure that will ever change, but I've had some success so we will see how things pan out. For now I am taking it one day at a time, enjoying life and trying to live it to the fullest, which leads me to my other new steps. On Tuesday I am auditioning for some local commercials! I am trying to get back into the theater world full force! I want my 4o's and 2011 to be the best year ever! Just wanted to update as it had been a while!